A lot of us choose to avoid confrontation. This means that we avoid sharing our thoughts, and can be seen as not moving fast enough, hedging our bets or not saying what we plan to do.
On the other hand, there is the person who loves to confront, to challenge and to win an argument (even when there was no argument to begin with!).
In both cases, there are gentle ways to disagree. One of the best tactics is the use of the agreement frame.
The agreement frame wraps around a negative in a way that has it received in a positive light.
It consists of three phrases that show respect for the other person. And in doing so, there is greater rapport, a frame of agreement and ability to influence the conversation without resistance.
The key words to use are as follows:
I agree … and … (x)
I appreciate … and … (x)
I respect … and … (x)
We start by stating ‘I agree | understand | respect’, then we state the other person’s view of the world (or their perspective). Next we use the word ‘and’, followed by our own desired outcome and end by stating the other person’s desired outcome.
When we use the phrase ‘I agree’, the other person’s mind becomes receptive to hear how we agree. It also makes them more open to our point of view.
You are not arguing. If you’re agreeing you can’t be arguing. You’re simply taking their comment and continuing on with it.
Contrast that now. If we said, ‘I disagree’ or, ‘No’ or even, ‘I agree, but …’ the person instantly switches to the defensive. Instead of listening, their minds will be preoccupied with how to counter our proposal. Hardly conducive to getting cooperation!